Paging Chris Crocker: Sarah Palin needs you

Originally published July 6, 2009.

Remember the “Leave Britney alone!” kid, Chris Crocker? Given her speech last Friday, it sounds like Sarah Palin could use his support right about now.

In her rambling announcement, the soon-to-be ex-governor of Alaska gave few reasons why she plans to step down next month: refusing to continue with “politics as usual,” the freedom of Alaskans (which has apparently been in danger these last two-and-a-half years, if you believe Palin), and the almost $300,000 tab billed to Alaskan taxpayers thanks to investigations into 15 ethics complaints made against Palin.

However, it’s hard to break the cycle of “politics as usual” when you opt out of politics altogether.

Palin’s speech was disorganized, repetitive, and didn’t explain why she plans to resign. That is, all but the brief moment when she mentioned asking her children their feelings about her decision.

John P. Coale, a Washington lawyer who spoke with Palin this spring, hit the nail on the head when he quoted conversations with her. In a Washington Post article last Sunday, Coale explained, “She asked me, ‘Well, what do you think all this is? Why are all these people attacking me?’… she couldn’t ignore the hits on the kids. She said, ‘It brought out the mama grizzly in me.’”

There may be a small amount of chivalry left in politics, which at least last fall resulted in a swearing-off of candidates’ children as targets during the heated campaign rhetoric. But Palin insisted on leading her children to the media slaughter, shoving daughter Bristol into the jaws of the spotlight, as well as, albeit to a lesser extent, sons Trig and Track. Palin did little but complain in an effort to keep both news and entertainment media from sensationalizing the details of her family’s personal lives.

Taking up a career in politics is willingly exposing yourself and your loved ones to the scrutiny of others, including those in the blogosphere who will endlessly Photoshop pictures of you, your children, your great-uncle Bob and your dead mother. This not-unusual behavior, evidenced recently by Linda Kellen Biegel’s superimposition of Anchorage radio host Eddie Burke’s face onto Trig’s in a photo from the RNC, was only amped up by Palin’s characteristic defensiveness­— illustrated clearly by her reference to the image in follow-up announcements about her resignation.

I hate to break it to you, Sarah, but no one will ever take you seriously if you believe the “right” response to any public or media scorn is to hold a press conference to whine about being teased and quit in an attempt to spite everyone.

After all, it doesn’t quite make sense to spend several minutes explaining how well your state is doing under your direction in order to make the case that it’s better for you to quit. If this whole quitting business wasn’t about Sarah Palin’s hurt feelings, I imagine she simply would have said, “I have personal reasons for declining to run for a second term, and my family needs me now. Thank you for your time, and for the opportunity to be governor of this great state.”

I certainly don’t mind Mrs. Palin unintentionally falling back into the obscure hidey-hole she crawled out of last year (despite her insistence that she’ll remain a strong advocate of change outside politics), but here’s something she should keep in mind. In many places around the world, bringing real political change often means death. She would do well to read up on events in countries like Iran, and count herself lucky that her greatest concerns are Tina Fey skits and insensitive media.

Palin’s plotting

Originally published November 6, 2008.

A few hotly-contested races have yet to be resolved following Election Day, including, perhaps surprisingly, Alaska’s Senate showdown between Ted Stevens and Mark Begich. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but if you were waiting with baited breath for Sarah Palin to crawl back under the rock of obscurity from whence she came, listen up. Don’t sigh in relief just yet.

Despite all statements to the contrary prior to her selection as McCain’s VP, Sarah Palin may not be interested in just serving as the governor of Alaska anymore. The GOP found exactly what it wanted in Palin: a devout social conservative with an externally female appearance (I cannot believe that Palin represents or fights for women in this country). Though her handlers in this campaign found her perhaps a little too outwardly caustic or unwilling to stick to campaign rhetoric, there is plenty of time to reprogram her before she is put back into action in a presidential race. Now that they have her, the Republicans are not going to let her go.

In a radio interview with Rush Limbaugh, Palin said in response to a statement about her heavy open criticism of the Obama campaign, “I’ve got nothing to lose in this.” And she’s right. She has been catapulted onto the national stage even though McCain lost, and after giving her a taste of fame, the party seems comfortable with continuing to entertain her delusions of grandeur. Tina Fey’s “Palin 2012″ jokes may not be so far from the truth.

But you have to learn to walk before you can run, right? Well, that’s where Palin’s friend Ted Stevens comes in.

Stevens, who just barely led Alaska’s polls Wednesday, is in a little bit of legal trouble. In October, the senator was convicted of seven federal corruption charges because he filed false statements on Senate ethics reforms. If he wins, he would be the first convicted felon to be re-elected to the U.S. Senate. But Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has already quashed this would-be first, saying that it would never be allowed to begin with, but also pressing the reality of Stevens’s having to face an ethics committee investigation followed by expulsion, regardless of his ability to appeal.

So, should he retain his Senate seat, one of two things will happen: Senator Stevens can step down from his position, or he will be expelled from it. And it’s a realistic possibility that Sarah Palin will be waiting in the wings to appoint herself in his place. After all, ethics are not an obstacle for her, as she has already demonstrated. Maybe she and Gov. Rod Blagojevich can appoint themselves together, in solidarity.

Even if she’s not willing to weather the legal storm that would surely follow a self-selection to the Senate, Palin could easily use her newfound popularity and $150,000 wardrobe to campaign her way into the spot during a special election. I wonder if she would get taxpayers to foot the bill for flying her kids back and forth to D.C. with her.

And besides, now that she’s taken the time to publicly shame her pregnant daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law by pushing them into the spotlight with her, who could possibly want to hear the end of it (hint: every discerning person in the United States)?

So, are we looking at an extended stay in the national political scene for Governor Palin? You betcha, and likely not just for 2012, despite what SNL has to say about it. Assuming Obama runs for re-election in four years, Palin stands a better chance if she decides to run in eight, especially if she “mavericks” her way into Congress. By 2016, voters will probably consider Hillary Clinton too old for the Oval Office in the same way they responded to John McCain’s substantial age. Can we count on some up-and-coming, liberal-minded female titan to stand up and truly represent not only women, but the entirety of our nation? If so, she better start now.

Chelsea is a senior in English and Creative Writing and hates that every step equality moves forward, it gets shoved four steps back: four states passed anti-gay and -lesbian legislation.